Won't be the same anymore.

Sat 24th April 2009

I lost someone dearly to me.

 

10am

Early morning, i woke up and wait for my sister to fetch me and my cousin back to kepong. Mom asked us to go back this weekends to visit you, cause you wasnt doing quite well. Normally my cousin will just stay at CJ to study but this time he came back with us. We ate MCD near Desa, then straight to see you.

12pm

I din see you for two weeks, when i saw you on that day i cried but i held back my tears into my stomach.. You looked so thin, the structure of his cheekbones were so obvious and i can't bare to look into your eyes. You looked tired. Grandma asked us all not to shed any tear on that day cause was 初一 ("firstday?" in lunar calender). 

You tried to speak up when your lovely wife was joking about you but you can't, you just can't. Your voice just chocked in his throat. I wanted to hear your voice so much, scold my grandma or say something wise to me or anything, just anything but i heard nothing but the creaking, harsh moarn from you.

I looked at you, your eyes were static and not present. I swear ed you looked at me even though your eyes aren't.  I hope you did looked at me, cause i wanted you to. I held your hands, i whispered :" Gong Gong, i love you, wo ai ni, ngai oi ni." I wished all your pains will go away.

2pm

Then i walked away from your room, leaving you there, alone.. I regret. I truly am. What a bastard i am, having my own sweet time watching some shitty shows on tv. I rather spend time with you, i rather read some comic near your bed but i did not.

3pm

Mom came later on but things aren't getting better. She had a fight with grandma because of her attitude, her bad mouth and the maid. Mom can't stand that grandma keep saying words that were unnecessary. It hurts your feeling, our feelings but grandma's too. I know she loves you, she din't mean it even if she mean it she still love you. 

The fight got worst, grandma wanted my mom to leave the house but she did not. Mom thought that she was right cause of you and for all, grandma thought that she was right cause she love us and you. All these shits were hard to get it right. Worst. Grandma cried. She cried infront of you,

holding your thigh. 

Aunties can't even calm her down, they asked us to calm her down cause they afraid grandma's action made you sad or got scared. She did. I saw your eyes, now they were wide open and maybe you was shocked? Or sad? Or that time you decided not to let anyone of us in misery anymore? Let me tell you this, you never were a misery to us. Never think that way.

Grandma calmed down later on cause of my sis. I was glad but worried at the same time. I rubbed grandpa forehead and told him:" Everything is fine now, dont worry" I think that kissing or patting someone's forehead makes them calm and is lovely. At least i thought that by doing that you will know how much i love you.

4.30pm

We all went out again to leave you and grandma alone. Maybe you got something to tell her? Me, mom, my aunt were in another room talking. We did talked abt you, we all worried about you but we cant even noticed that you needed us that time. Mom was on the phone with my uncle from NZ. They were discussing his flight back to msia to see you. Later, someone came in the room, my aunt looked worried and wanted us to go see you right away. 

5.10pm

You were suffocating, you breathed out and paused for quite awhile, my tears rolled down like mad man then u breathed in again, my hope was high but kept doing this, i know you can't breath well anymore. Your eyes were staring somewhere, somewhere far apart from us. Relatives from johor reached your place just on time to see you off to somewhere else. 

Every breathe you breath i felt relieve, every breathe you let out just stopped my heart. But no, yours stopped. I asked :" Are you still here?" " Is Gong Gong still here?" nobody answered me. My mom in tears told me that:" I don't know. Gong Gong is gone." I watched you slipped away silently from us. I can't bare this. 

Everyone were crying because of you and because of you everything is not the same anymore.

Yours  heart stopped. Mine too.

520pm

I lost you forever. 

I begged whoever or whatever god to take away your suffer and sorrow, not you...not you. They said:" Gong Gong is a fighter, he got strong will to live on." I believed them but you caught me by surprise. I don't know what to react now. 

I do know that i miss you now. I miss your stories, i miss the time when you brought me stuff, when you cut the fruits at your chair there and forced us to eat, i miss you calling my name, the nickname you gave me, remember? i miss walking in to popo house and see you sitting there at the living room watching tv or reading newspaper, i miss watching you and grandma quarreling about silly little things,  i miss the funny face you do with your mouth.. i miss you the most.

Now everything back to normal, but it wont be the same anymore. 

fuck.

* today is the 'soul return' day. 回魂夜. Last good bye.